One morning in the fall of 1401, I had gone to a street in the city center to teach and do administrative work. And then to do something else, I walked the length of the street, and the long walk had tired me. I sat down on one of the benches near the street to rest. I saw a van and some officers on the other side of the street, but I was not worried. I was wearing a long coat, a scarf on my head, and it was still early in the morning and I was busy with my personal business. The call for evening had been broadcast and I was careful to return home before evening.

I was sitting on the bench when a lady came to me. A very ordinary looking lady. He asked me: "Is it called today?" I declared ignorance. He said: "Did you hear about the attack on the university?" I had heard but I didn't know anything more and I hadn't gone. I told him this. After a while, a boy came to us. He started talking and describing the violent arrest and beating of a girl. I said that they will be forced now, but not later. The lady went to the clothes shop on the other side of the street. I had no fear, because there was nothing to fear and I had done nothing. In a short time, a tall man wearing smoked glasses came up to me from behind, put his arm around my waist and said, "I can't hear you, you're going to the van."

I was confused. There wasn't much room for resistance and I was sure that it was nothing serious and they would soon realize that they were wrong. Because I had not done anything and was busy with my normal life, I did not have much resistance and fear. They took me to the van. A white van with no other markings. They were arresting a teenage girl near the car. One color and loose clothes were tense. His father begged to save him, they attacked and beat his father and tore his clothes. I and a few other people who were there shouted, we protested that the girl was too young to let her go, but they shouted at all of us and beat the girl and her father.

They put me in the van. They took my mobile phone and bag. People were already there and new people were being added. The car did not move and no one gave us an explanation. There were many of us sitting in the van. Inevitably even on each other. We were suffocating. We were in this situation for a long time. How many people protested that you are not working for Islam, what is the situation that you have put men and women together? And in response, they shouted and abused us and hit our bodies hard with a baton and said that this is what you want.

The man who had taken me and was called the colonel came, asked for our details and wrote them down. Name, address, telephone, occupation and other things. Every ten minutes, he repeated this process from the beginning. They thought we were lying, they wanted to confuse us by constantly asking us and get the real answers out of us. Every now and then someone would protest and each time, a new person would give an answer. Someone said that we have nothing to do with you, we take a commitment and let you go. Another said we will go to Evin. Another said that we are dealing with you now. No information could be obtained, no breath could be taken, no movement could be made. We were still on the street in the same white van with tinted windows until around noon.

The car finally started. We did not have a view outside. We were taken to a building that I had no idea what it was like when we arrived. It was full of military personnel. full of people We were led through long corridors. They kept shouting at us. They threw us on the ground. They hit with a baton. He was with us from a 17-year-old girl to a 60-year-old woman. But it didn't matter if you were old or young, female or male. What was assigned and had to be done without investigation was shouting, obscenity in the worst form and beating. They shouted at all the women and said: "Aren't you looking for freedom?" Now we give you freedom. Aren't you looking for debauchery? We will provide you now." Boys were also humiliated. With appearance and with everything they could. A boy had long hair. They harassed him a lot.

The narrator is silent for a short time here. It is difficult for him to remember the content of the obscenities: They made us sit on the floor in our room. Like in the movies, knee in the stomach, head down, facing the wall. They asked our details again and threatened that if we say something wrong, they will do bad things to us. Then they started writing charges on the profile sheets and read aloud: "Action against security." For a father who wanted to save his teenage daughter from the hands of the forces and who had beaten her, they wrote: "Attack on the security forces." He was the first one to say that I will not sign this paper. And behind that, none of the 17 of us signed the papers.

They took us to the yard. There were tables placed in the middle of a large yard and lines were made between the tables. They put us there. On the floor, with a straight back and knees in the stomach. If we sat comfortably, they would beat or shout. The yard was full of soldiers. There were many women in our group. As we were sitting in the middle of the courtyard and were not allowed to change our sitting position, a large number of soldiers surrounded us. They were staring at us, talking on the phone and giggling. After a while, we women protested that they can't go that way? What is the situation that they stared at us like this? And they said in response: "Isn't that what you are looking for?" No one had anything to do with them.

It was getting dark little by little. A person in a white coat came between us, as if the doctor was there. They tied our hands. Girls' hands in front, boys' hands behind. They brought mineral water. They started giving us pills. Three pills each. A gelophane, an aspirin, and a tiny white pill that we didn't understand what it was. It was mandatory to eat pills and water. Three people stood above anyone who did not dare to transgress. Later, I was told that aspirin was used to prevent bruising and blood clots after beatings. About every 20 minutes, they repeated the same three pills. I can't remember how many pills they gave us, but it wasn't much.

About seven to eight hours had passed and we were on the ground in the middle of the yard. Those who had toilets were told to use the toilet right there on the floor, there is no place here. There was a guy who said that I am an athlete, my back is injured, I can't sit like this anymore. They hit him in such a way that he was forced to sit and freeze in place. They hit very badly. There was another boy who was trans. They harassed him a lot. They kept verbally humiliating her, that we don't know if you are a girl or a boy and where to put you, and they all kept giving her a handkerchief saying, "Let's see how you are?"

The evening came and the yard was empty. All the troops had gone for the call. In total, maybe 10 to 15 people stayed there. There was also a 60-year-old woman who was very sick and distracted. There were several people in police uniform around us. Whatever we said about what we should do, how long we will be in this situation, or any other protest, they said it has nothing to do with us and we cannot interfere. I was sitting at the end of the queue. A soldier came for a while and stood behind me. The uniform of the special unit was tense. Dark green, with black top, with gun and baton.

And here the narrator cries profusely. He keeps silent for a long time and sheds tears, unable to continue talking. After some tears and silence, he continues: He passed us several times before he came up behind me and stopped, smiling. Although he was wearing a black mask all the time, it was obvious that he was wearing a mask. It was green, and recognizable. Once he went inside the building and changed his clothes. He wore the normal and black clothes of personal agents. His face was still covered in black. The soldier was standing behind me. He kept talking. He said: "Why did they take you?" And he said other things. I ask him ordinary words? He answers: "No, it wasn't ordinary words." The narrator is silent and does not speak the content of what he heard. continues

As time passed, we became more confused. Maybe it was because of the many pills they gave us. And in this confusion, they didn't even let us rest our heads on the side tables. If we leaned, our share would be shouting and beating. They gave us a lot of water along with the pills. We had been on the ground for hours. Among the few people who were there, there was a lady in a tent. I motioned to him and said that I wanted to go to the bathroom. A soldier standing behind me said, "Shall I take him?" And the female agent who was there pointed and said take it. As if he had a job and would be happy if he didn't get caught by me.

He said get up. I was trying to get up. My head was getting very confused and I was dizzy from the pills. I wanted to get up and fell. He said: "Don't get it wrong here. Don't think that someone is going to hug you" and I was still nervous. I got up and walked beside him. Giant black cars, meant for special forces and repression, were parked next to each other. We were going through them. There was a door at the end of the cars. I could not even see properly. He said: "You go."

The narrator cries again. Endless tears that fall back to back and want to flood. There is silence for a long time. for a hard, heart-wrenching, long cry...; From here on, he barely speaks: I don't know where I entered at all was the room or really the bathroom. My vision was disturbed and I could not see clearly. When I entered, I don't know if he hit me hard in the back with his fist or baton and I fell to the ground. I was down when he suddenly started to rant: "Do you know how long I could not go to our house? You guys are walking in the street, you made us tired, you are a bunch of greedy people..." And he said and said and behind him he just shouted: "Yes, you are too free to be like this. If your two enemies are violated, you will sit in your seat." I was so confused and dizzy that I could neither stand up nor speak. Because of the many pills, my whole body was limp, I just kept repeating "To God... To God" just to get out of there. I remember there was a sink there and I got up and grabbed it so I didn't fall and I just said: "I'm sorry, I don't want to go to the bathroom at all" and I just wanted to get out of there. Suddenly I saw that he was holding my back.

The narrator continues to cry profusely. Does this endless and painful cry need a continuous narrative? He continues: At that moment, I was in a lot of pain. I just wished to get out of there and I wished to never get out of there alive. When he finished his work, he grabbed me by the neck and collar of my clothes and dragged me to the ground and to the yard. He threw me in the same place as before and said with a creditor's expression: "He's shaking so damn much, it's not clear what he's doing."

I was in very, very severe pain. I was completely dry. I couldn't even cry. I was just waiting to die there or something else would happen. From here on, they didn't have to sit on our feet. We fell on the ground. They were playing on the phone above us. - Haji, what should we do with these? where to take They kept telling us: "Your cartoon is over." They threatened us with the names of Kahrizak and Fashafoye. It was at this time that two men arrived in a van. One of them was a colonel. Like a barracks, they started shouting for us to line up. They put us in a van and two soldiers with rifles had to hold our heads down between our legs and hit us with the end of their guns at the slightest movement. They kept yelling that "don't look outside, don't provoke people." The windows of the van were smoked and we were wandering in the night. They did not tell us where we were going. Along this route, they also performed the good cop and bad cop show for us. Someone kept saying obscenities: "What's wrong with you? Now put a scarf on your head, what's going to happen?" And then another person started talking that "I myself am not satisfied with this, I am not getting the right salary, but this is not the way, I agree with you, I will keep the van and let you all off" and then he makes an excuse that it is crowded here, or The car couldn't be parked here, and it wouldn't have been anyway.

We got there and were taken to a special place. When we entered the door, we encountered many Basiji ladies. Young and old women who didn't seem to know what to do at all and were constantly fighting and arguing, "How many times haven't we practiced?" The soldier who dropped me off was new to the shift and I hadn't seen him before. He showed me to the person who had the paper in his hand and said, "This, this was standing in the street with a scarf on and was dancing. I caught him myself and he was not riding at all." I just stared in amazement. He said and the woman also took notes.

They took us to a room and told us to take off all our clothes. They wanted to check if we have bruises on our body. They asked: "Did you get beaten?" Anyone who had bruises on his body was sent to prison. The rest of us were kept and checked several times. They asked questions and specifications several times. They emptied the contents of our bags. Anyone who had cigarettes, lighters, masks, hats, glasses, and extra clothes was added to his file. The appendix of the same papers. Then they wrote under our names: "Action against the national security of the country." A few people resisted and faced many threats. Don't do anything to call the colonel, don't do anything to bring the men. Registering information in this way in the system was mandatory for everyone. Like a puppet. Aimless. powerless inactivity In this process, there was a girl with us who was arrested with her son's friends. One of the women of Basij, who was also old, kept talking to him and asked: "Have you been raped?" And he didn't say anything and just kept crying. He was constantly crying.

Around the beginning of the 90s, when I was a teenager, one day when I was coming back from school, the Irshad patrol caught me. I was very thin then. Wearing a head mask and loose school robes. They kicked me in the stomach and threatened me with spray. They took pictures of me there in the ministers. When they dialed my national code, they said: "Hey, you have a record." And I said yes, I have a photo, I was in school uniform. I had a mild illness at that time. I was in my mood and my disease was manageable. After that, my illness became very, very severe. I was having seizures all the time, I was having forgetfulness all the time and I couldn't remember anything. I had nightmares. I felt very sick and after that incident, I kept taking pills.

It was at the end of the night when they told you to sit down and let us feed you. We were about 20-30 women. They brought 15-16 dishes. One of us got up and opened the door of one of the dishes, he saw that the dishes were empty and untouched by their own dishes that they threw in front of us. Everyone protested and did not eat those foods. The children would faint and fall down. The pressure was off, we hadn't eaten anything since morning except water and mandatory pills in the yard. A doctor came to touch my head, but he didn't know, and one of the children's hand was full of wounds, bruises and bleeding because he couldn't catch his vein. Mrs. Servan said: "Let go, you don't want to hit me, they are just going to say that my hands are bruised." The doctor said that their blood pressure is very low and if they don't eat anything, they will go into a coma. He also brought a glass of water and put salt in it and said that this will make my head hurt.

I had a severe infection and very severe burning. The strong infection smell bothered me too. But whatever I said and asked for help, they did not pay attention to me and only shouted that this is a detention center. That means we should not be greedy. They brought us papers. The commitment papers, which had a long text, in which we admitted that we were in the rally, we will not be present again, and if we are caught again, we will be responsible for the consequences. They forced signatures from all of us. They said that you are still accused, something that has not been proven. And they made the papers look unimportant. Some time later, another lady brought us new sheets. He used to fill in the papers for the crime of discovering hijab and other things.

When he reached me, he asked for my profile and national code. He said, "How did I get you?" and I said that I was going to work. Did you discover hijab? - No. Did you chant? - No. - Did you get a placard? - No. He started shouting: "Is it possible?" You all say the same. We will not take you! We are here day and night." And the answer to all his questions was not so much that he started writing himself. Promoting prostitution, participating in protests. I got angry and said: "Why are you writing this as if your brain is not working?" At the same time, he added loudly on the paper: "Promoting slander to the officers." I got up to protest, he added: "Assault on a law enforcement officer." He said sign it. I did not sign. He said, will you sign or should I add more? And here you only think about liberation and your family who still haven't heard from you after 12 hours. I signed.

The narrator's mother starts talking: They didn't give us any news until 11 at night. I had dialed his number a thousand times, just a thousand times. Either it was rejected, or no one answered, or it was cut off. Finally, at the end of the night, they called and said that it was a certain center. His father was not in Tehran. We walked there with my brother. When we reached the door, we saw the father of a family being beaten and his wife screaming. A soldier quickly pointed his gun at our car window. He said: "What are you doing here?" No one is here, leave before I shoot." My brother locked the door and did not let me get out. No matter how much I said that I was looking for my daughter, they did not let me go a step further. They said that their place is fine and they have had dinner and they will be released at five in the morning. Some time later, my daughter called and said it was eight in the morning. They were not released even at eight in the morning and said that they should stay here for the time being.

The narrator continues: I was only worried about my family and my mother. The same call was made at 11:00 PM, after a lot of begging and of course a lot of threats. We only had the right to say that we are good. They even spoke by themselves at first and gave us the phone as "we are fine". They told the family that there is nothing, we will take a commitment and they will be released and all of them are fine. I felt bad the whole time. I did not cry at all. For many moments I felt like I was having a stroke. I just wanted to get out of there and I was only thinking about my mother. Even in their questions and answers, when they asked, "Didn't it work?" I said "no". I was very afraid that they would find out something, something would be said and they would want to keep me because of it. I just wanted to go and was thinking about my mother.

They gave us military blankets. That night until morning, we were lying with the same blankets. We used to walk or sit and stare at each other for a long time. in silence. All night we were just waiting for the sun to come. The first dawns and the first streaks of sunlight that fell from the windows on the ground, we all gathered in the same place, hoping to get warm and get more sun. From tomorrow morning, they tortured us more and more with anticipation. By not answering or giving wrong answers. From morning to 11 at night, we waited every hour for them to release us. A group of elderly ladies came in the middle of the day and advised the children not to disturb and crowd the place so much. Then they brought a bottle and sat around to play with the children. The first time someone won, the kids clapped. They fought and told them not to touch. After that, everyone who took the children started to send salawat. It was a little mocking. They started arguing and yelling, "Why are you doing this?" Are you kidding us?" And it was collected.

It was late afternoon. Afternoon of the second day. I also had a headache and severe pain. I was bleeding heavily when I went to the bathroom and I didn't know what to do. I was lying in a corner and writhing in pain and confusion when suddenly they started yelling for us to get up and go. We boarded a van and were taken to a building to be interrogated one by one. Of course, while we were all in the same room. The ladies were sitting at a table, a judge or interrogator on the other side, and us on the floor. When my turn came, the man asked: "Why did you go to protest?" I said: "I had not gone anywhere. I was going to work." He started yelling for you to answer correctly. He did not believe my words. I said: "Why don't you check the cameras there?" Have a proof for your words that I did something." He replied: "Don't set me a task."

Then one of those women behind the table started talking: "They started making fun of us. He started sending blessings." I said that I did not send Salat. I kept asking why are you slandering? Another woman began to speak: "Mr. Judge Eshon aggressively attacked us several times." One of the arrested women said: "This child has not moved even once, he has not made any sound. Why are you lying?" The judge got up, brought two female agents in front of me. He said: "Did you insult them?" I said no. They said yes. The judge said: "You kneel in front of them. You say I was wrong. You say I made a mistake, I messed up, to free you." I said: "Because of something I didn't do?" He said: "Do you want me to put you in jail too" and I thought of my mother and knelt down... and the narrator is still crying.

The narrator's mother begins: We were behind the center door. It was a scary and remote place. The car driver was saying to me, madam, why did you come here? Do you even know where this is? He said that I will not go further. And I walked a path. They always said something behind the door. Four and five evenings released a series. They used to say that we won the rest, Fashafuye. They are saboteurs. There was a man who said that I have been looking for my sister for three days and I don't even know where she is. We said, at least let the girls go. they are guilty But they kept threatening us with guns and yelling. They said that these are not coming out now. It was clear that they wanted to play with the families' nerves. They said: "Isn't it a women's revolution?" So let them stay and see what they do." A few boys used to tell us these things after their release.

We kept thinking that if they were released at night, how would a girl want to go home from here and find her way. It was a very strange and scary place. in the middle of the desert I wonder what happens to someone if he doesn't have a family to follow his work? I kept thinking about them. And the mother starts crying for the lonely children and continues to speak with burning eyes: I myself had an experience in the 60s when I was removed from the committee. Because of my nails! I remember well. They kept me for three days and nights and constantly humiliated me and threatened to rape me. Just for having nails. All my fear for my daughter was that something would happen to her. We stayed awake for three days and nights lest they rape us. All those three nights I chewed and pulled my nails until they were gone. I thought that when they did those things to us for a nail and threatened me so much and caused me so much anxiety, then what are they doing with these children.

But the woman, despite all the suffering she has suffered, is full of passion for life. full of beauty Neat hair, colorful and clean clothes, speaking powerfully while shedding tears, beauty, beauty, beauty... Two different generations of Iranian women are sitting in front of me, who have suffered and been oppressed and scared in different decades and always feel a shadow over their heads. Have. which have been an extension of each other. that the mother was threatened with rape and 30 years later, they carried out the threat on the body of her young daughter.

The woman continues: In our society, it is mostly women who are threatened and do not have mental health. So the society cannot be healthy either. I am afraid to sit in the car right now. lest they put the car to sleep or get someone else stuck. All our lives are fear and anxiety. Even though all my being is anger, even though I know what violations happen and I wish there was at least a place to prove them, which I know because of modesty, fear and threats, most of them are never told. But I know that revenge will be taken. It must be so. That day is not far. We don't knock and knock. God bless that person who is so unscrupulous. When he brings this calamity to a girl, he doesn't think that she is like my daughter, she is my sister, she is someone's daughter, she is someone's dear. The woman who stands there and witnesses, who is silent, gives power to these actions. That woman is also a partner. As a woman, I am not ready to get paid and witness such a thing even if I die of hunger. My daughter could not walk properly for a while. He walked like an iron man. People asked me if she was raped? And I would say no, forcefully and firmly, and sprinkle from the inside. He didn't want to talk about it with anyone so that he could forget it. Those who are there, everything inside them is silent. Humanity boils from within. Inside them is only absolute blackness. There is nothing and they are deprived of humanity. However, I am proud of my daughter for being so strong. that so much life flows in it. That's what they want us to break. to hurt us I am proud of my daughter for still living beautifully and helping others. The important thing is that one does not break and does not stay on the ground.

The narrator resumes the narration and we go back inside the detention center: they brought papers again. They read to me: "Discovering the hijab, dancing in public." They kept repeating. Then they gave us papers that we wrote and signed ourselves. They dictated the sentences and if we wrote a verb in place, they would tear it up and start from the beginning. In those papers, we publicly admitted that we were guilty. They said they will give our phones on the day of the trial. Several people protested how to get home, we can't make any calls or get a car. One person had no one but his brother and his number was not memorized. Whenever he begged to give his phone so that he could see his brother's number, they did not listen. They said: "We will keep you until you are preserved." It is not clear whether she wants to take her boyfriend's number or what she wants to do. He thought we would buy." In the end, we did not understand what happened. Those who had a video of the demonstration on their phone were also taken to another place. They kept scaring us with the name Evin. During this time, a strange woman had also come there, like those who call them "Leopards". With makeup and strange appearance. We thought they had arrested him, but then I saw that they call him by the name of Sarvan and everyone respects him.

When leaving, we would sign another sheet. that I, without any injury or harassment, and without experiencing any physical encounter, and healthy, leave here. All these papers and signatures were mandatory. With signature and fingerprint. If we did the slightest thing, everything would get worse and we would be thrown back a few steps and the behavior would get worse. I am very arrogant in life. I will not reduce soon. I have suffered a lot. But when I walked out the door at eleven at night, all I could think about was that I was going to throw myself in front of the car. I wanted to die. I don't understand anything else with an ordinary accident. I lost three kilos in one night. After my release, people asked me, 'How long were you there?' I replied, 'One night.' They responded, 'Well then...' and breathed a sigh of relief. No one imagines that such a calamity can occur to a person in a single night. No one believes that a normal day can transform into such hell.

During this time, I still haven't had a good night's sleep. I keep jumping. I keep having nightmares. I can't even go to a counselor or a psychologist. because i'm afraid Because I can't trust anyone. Because I am afraid that they will come to me and my condition will get worse. When I found a reliable and safe gynecologist two days later and he examined me, he said that I had severe lacerations and the effects of rape were clearly visible. I was very sore. But he also said that he was sorry that he could not do anything. That is, he said that we cannot do anything. Both me and him. He did not accept his responsibility to write a rape certificate. It was a problem for him. He said that if I want a certificate, I can go to the forensic medicine, but be sure that I will not get anywhere and they will not do anything for me. It only gets worse for me. My work is such that I have to help children and I am their hope. I have kept myself and am standing only because of them.

The mother describes her daughter's condition: She was in a state of shock for the first few days. He was so scared that he couldn't even sleep alone and was always by my side. He had a high heart rate. You don't sleep until morning. He is afraid of the phone ringing and any other sound. But he is fighting and that is what matters. I told my daughter that this incident is not the incident that wants to throw you away from living. It makes you stronger. If there are people who are enemies of love and light and want to destroy humanity, we are the ones who must show that this ash exists and is still bright and burning. We have to show that this blackness can't stop any of us.

The narrator continues: I have always had a belief in my life and I have always told my children. That if someone abandons you or does injustice to you, you should not be the person to commit suicide or break down. You have to move stronger than before so that person regrets it. Not to say that you were weak and had problems. I suffered a lot in my life, from a very young age. Especially because of my psychiatric illness. I have been seeing what normal life looks like for six years. And now I know how to get up if I fall with my brain. After this incident, I am completely messed up inside. My visual and auditory hallucinations are back. I jump into the air at the slightest sound. I do not focus. On the second day of my release, I left the house, sat in the parking lot and just cried for long hours. I couldn't even stand up. It took so long that my mother was worried about where I was. But hope is a very good thing. It keeps a person alive and dynamic. One knows that with all these conditions and darkness, with hope and little by little, bright things can happen. It may take a long time, but it is finally clear.